50-50

My headlights pierce the predawn darkness as I wend through central Virginia horse country. Fog settles into low lying fields and some wisps of it linger in my sleepy head. It is not unusual for me to make these early morning treks but they are never fun. I am not a morning person. I yawn and try to switch the car over to autopilot. Then I remember that I didn't invest in that option 5 years ago when I thought buying a stationwagon was a good idea. I have changed my mind about station wagons. They no longer suit me. They make my butt look big. Next month I will hand the keys to this car to someone else and I will move on to a little two seater. No one's butt looks big in a two seater.

My cell phone rings and casts an eerie blue glow onto the dashboard. The time reads 5:02 and the caller ID says it is "Private." What it should say is "OnStar." I groggily answer.

His voice is chipper as he tells me that the woman at check-in told him he was 5 lbs over weight and must charge him a $50 penalty. I want to meet this woman! I would gladly pay her $50 if she could tell me I am merely 5 lbs overweight.

"I wasn't going to pay $50," OnStar says. "So I took out one of my boots and I'm taking it as carry on."
"You have 5 lb boots?" I ask sleepily.
"Yes. They are steel toed, you know."

No, I didn't know. To be honest, I don't pay much attention to guy footwear. Girl footwear is another story. I pay very close attention to that. I consider my boot collection as the horizen turns a deep purple and then dark gray. The seasons are changing. Day breaks later. It is almost boot weather.

Back home, I rummage through my closet until I find my favorite pair of boots. Black, 3 inch stiletto heels, knee high, and laced up the back, these boots all but shout "Naughty!" Paired with a peek-a-boo black lace negligee and they make a gal feel like she should be in a Victoria's Secret window display. Pull a calf length burgandy velvet dress on over that and "Naughty!" becomes a mere whisper. They are the perfect boots. But how much do they weigh?

I take them into the bathroom and hop onto the scale. I weigh myself holding a boot. Holy Cats! I never knew a boot could weigh so much! Obviously this is a 10 lb boot! I don't need to weigh myself without it to confirm that fact. I just know...