Natural Selection

Survival of the fittest. No place exemplifies Spencer and Darwin's theories of natural selection better than Alaska. The terrain is rugged. The sea that embraces that terrain is capricious. There are times when it is crystal clear and you can see the star fish and crabs that creep below you. The next moment it is agitated, a murky fog-wrapped gray green that is laden with supernaturally blue icebergs. Huge humpback whales beat the surface with their enormous tails in grand gestures of "Hi! How are ya! Got herring?" Bald eagles eye you from great heights before they swoop down to inspect you more closely. They leave you feeling like you don't measure up. Their piercing gaze clearly communicates what they are thinking, "You are weak. This is a harsh land. You wouldn't last a minute here if you weren't sheltered by that enormous stateroom with the staff that waits on you hand and foot. Go get yourself another latte you pathetic human!"

But the eagle is wrong. There are harsh environments he doesn't know about that I navigate with the same skill he does. There is a land that is as fickle and unforgiving as the one he soars above, although I must admit that it is much less beautiful. It is a land called Baggage Claim and it is inhabited by a primitive people. Surviving Baggage Claim requires skill and cunning. Like Alaska, it is an example of survival of the fittest. Here is my story:

The transcontinental flight was uneventful save for a desperate run across multiple concourses in search of not-really-lost passports. It is well past midnight when Baggage Belt #5 begins to turn in Richmond and the crowd surges forward to claim their luggage. The fittest of us position themselves for optimal retrieval. Some look like they want to mark their territory by urinating. Then again, it's been a long flight. Perhaps they just need to pee like I do.

The less aggressive of our species hang behind and lose the competition for a first bag strike. These are the ones with inferior bladder capacity who chose to pee before arriving at baggage claim. They are urine-less and unable to mark their territory. They are willing to let the more dominant members grab their bags first. I'm not one of those people. I arrive at Baggage Belt #5 early. I have superior bladder capacity, but regardless, I have to pee so badly I could mark my territory and the guy's next to me. I might even be able to mark Baggage Belt #4 if the wind is right.

Bag after bag comes into view and I swoop in to strike with precision. I lift the bags like an eagle lifts a salmon, with a great show of flailing and a high pitched screech. I drop the bags at my feet and watch for the next. And watch. And watch. And watch. The belt turns. The inferior back row folks are now grabbing their bags. Soon they melt away. The belt stops turning. A brave from the SkyCap Tribe comes along and loads the unclaimed bags onto a cart.

"That's it." he tells me. "If you are missing luggage go to that office over there." He points over his shoulder to a massive woman behind a tall counter. "Let her know which bag didn't make it." I check my bag tags so that I can identify the missing bag for her. Uh Oh! One of my bags has two tags. Obviously it was tagged twice and my missing bag never got a tag. I gather up my things and head over to talk to the Chief of the No Bags Left Behind Tribe.

I approach the chief with respect and greet her formally. I identify my clan and prepare to offer gifts if necessary. She eyes me warily. Most people are hostile to the Chief. She has learned to distrust anyone who isn't part of her tribe.

Me: "Excuse me. It appears that one of my bags never made it on the plane in SEA because it wasn't tagged."

Chief: "Give me the tag number of the missing bag."

Me: "It doesn't have a tag number since it didn't get a tag. This bag ended up with two tags."
I lift the double tagged bag to the counter to show her the problem.

Chief: "I need the number of the tag that didn't come to RIC.

Me: "All the tags made it to RIC...because one bag had TWO TAGS while the bag that is missing didn't get ANY tags. All the tags made it but not all the bags."

Chief: "Well, just pick one of the tag numbers and give it to me then."

Me: "Your computer will tell you that bag got to RIC."

Chief: "Well, make up a number then."

Me: "Then people will look for a bag with a fictitious tag...and the bag has NO TAG. "

Chief: "I don't know how to fix this. "

Survival of the fittest. I know how to fix this but I don't want to offend the Chief of No Bag Left Behind by telling her how to do her job. I don't want to appear arrogant and ugly although I'm beginning to feel arrogant and ugly. I also don't want to come across like a woman about to wet her pants. I work on keeping a pleasant expression on my face and cross my legs. Successful negotiations with primitive people requires both stamina and subtlety.

Me: "Can you call the Delta Baggage folks in SEA, tell them that there is a black Travel Pro Suiter that failed to get tagged at curbside and it was bound for RIC? Maybe you could tell them the luggage tag has my business card in it. They can put it on a plane to RIC but it will cost you less to deliver it to my home if you send it to CHO."

Chief: "I can't do that on the computer."

Me: "That's right. It requires a phone call. Are you able to make one?

The chief doesn't respond to my question. She gazes over my shoulder, her face inscrutable. I consider offering her beads as a sign of friendship. Then I remember that my beads are in the missing bag. I ponder if I should ask to speak with the Shaman. Perhaps the Shaman could find a way to reach back into the mists of time, find my bag, and transport it to me. The Chief refocuses on me.

Chief: "Was it an actual Travel Pro or did it just look like one?

Me: "It was an actual Travel Pro"

Chief: "That's an expensive bag. We have a $3,000 liability limit if you haven't purchased the excess value coverage."

Me: "AmEx has me covered for that."

Chief: "What was in the bag?"

Me: "A bunch of fancy dresses, evening gowns, designer shoes, and my favorite push up bra".

Chief: "Are you kidding?"

Me: "Yea, I know. I should have put the push up bra in my carry on. Big mistake."

I try to look contrite. I smile at the Chief encouragingly.

Me: "Your people have never let me down before. I know you'll have the bag back to me in no time."

The Chief nods and smiles back. I congratulate myself on my statesmanship as she pens magic symbols on a folder and hands it to me.

Chief: "I hope the SkyCap in Seattle took your bag to the Unclaimed Luggage Lodge. We can get it back to you if he did that. Here's your claim number. You can go online and track your bag's progress with that number. They should deliver it to your home by tomorrow afternoon if it can be found."

I accept the Chief's offering and express my thanks. I walk out into the Virginia night. I notice right away that it is warm here and dark, so unlike Alaska where it is cool and damp and where the sun doesn't set until almost midnight. Alaska. More about that tomorrow...

Slainte.